agios georgios corfu

Drowning in politics. Blinded by science. Sinking, spinning, losing control and asphyxiated by self doubt. I donrsquo;t know what Irsquo;m doing.

How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I canrsquo;t rely on other people for the answers to the questions in my life? How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I have to make things happen for me on my own? Irsquo;m sitting at my desk typing this ndash; itrsquo;s 9:10am and Irsquo;ll upload it this evening. Irsquo;m in the shit. I think Irsquo;ve taken on a job that I canrsquo;t do. Admittedly, itrsquo;s not entirely my own fault... The role in reality is turning out to be somewhat different to the role discussed in interview, and itrsquo;s becoming clear that I donrsquo;t have some of the skills required. No effortrsquo;s being made to provide me with the development of the skills I need. Most worrying though is the impact that this is having on my motivation... I donrsquo;t have any. Not having motivation to work, I can deal with to a degree ndash; dragging myself through isnrsquo;t a particularly pleasant experience, but itrsquo;s something Irsquo;m accustomed too. Now though, my lack of motivation is starting to impact on the rest of my life. I havenrsquo;t written any real volume of fiction in about a week... Because I just canrsquo;t be fucked. Irsquo;m going to bed earlier but sleeping less, Irsquo;m tired all the time and I feel like Irsquo;ve been spread too thin. And rather than looking inward, Irsquo;m looking outward ndash; for some kind of saviour to appear. I donrsquo;t know why. I donrsquo;t believe in God, I donrsquo;t believe in a messiah or a saviour of any kind, and right now Irsquo;m struggling to find a decent reason to believe in myself.

lsquo;Donrsquo;t save me, donrsquo;t save me, lsquo;cos I donrsquo;t care.rsquo;

Add this to an economic downturn, rising unemployment, falling house prices and rising food bills, and now really isnrsquo;t looking like the best time to turn around and say lsquo;fuck it allrsquo; and throw someone my car keys. Not without lining something else up first. Which brings me nicely back to my post of about a week or so ago... The one explaining that my problem is that I donrsquo;t know what I want.

Life has an annoying habit of being basically circular.

I think it might be time to brush up the CV again. I wonder if itrsquo;s better to look as though Irsquo;ve been doing nothing for the last two months than it would be to put my current job on there only for prospective employers to want to know why Irsquo;ve only lasted eight weeks? Would it be written off as some kind of character flaw before an interview would give me the opportunity to explain it in person?

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