понедельник, 20 октября 2008 г.

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Oh dear... I feel so fat nowadays. I�donapos;t know why. I�donapos;t think I gained anything but... I am sure that I havenapos;t lost anything either. I havenapos;t weighed myself since my Saturdayapos;s binge. In the morning on saturday I was 123, and on sunday-monday I kept under 800 (mostly cereal, oatmeal, cheese noodles from a pack). I really need to lose at least 3 pounds by the end of this week, and another 3 by thursday 30th. Any advices? I donapos;t exercise, cause school leaves me with no energy at all. (and please donapos;t say I am useless because I donapos;t exercise, the last time some of you said it, I had a terrible binge)

And the worst thing- on wednesday I am going out with my friend. So for sure there will be lots of alcohol... But... What If I binge and actually EAT�something? I canapos;t eat more than 800 calories on Wednesday (plus alcohol... Well, once in a while I can let myself go crazy) but food only 800 It is so horrible, and I havenapos;t seen my friends since May ;(



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воскресенье, 19 октября 2008 г.

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While Mother swoons over Gethin and Una the Frenchies to dig a burrow to Baton Rouge, my thoughts are with my distant husbund, Sascha and little daughter, Cicely.

Iapos;ve built a nest incase she decides to follow in Unaapos;s pawsteps and return home to her loving mum. I know sheapos;s settled with her father but I just canapos;t settle today and feel an uncontrollable urge to pull my fur out.

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суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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i woke up with various aches today, particularly in the arm, thanks to carrying many many cute toddlers through the night.

i should have just carried them up to my room and hid them there.

hur hur.

anyway, best question of the night.

My father, upon seeing my VISIBLY�pregnant cousin, turned to me and said, "Ni mengandung ke????"

tak lah, ayah. Kakak Nana selitkan bola bawah baju dia.

what sia.

my cousin was so obviously pregnant lor. Everything else was skinny except for the belly.

hur hur.

but i think itapos;s a good practice to double check first or you might go up to a non-pregnant lady and said, "ooooh. When are you dueeee?"

thatapos;s tantamount to a death sentence.



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Our distrust is very expensive. --Ralph Waldo Emerson


So Pirate Booty and I had little fight the other day. Apparently I need to show more affection, which, upon thinking about, is true. I am not exactly the most affectionate person in the worldmdash;I donrsquo;t know why, I just am. Thatrsquo;s not say that I am unfriendly, because I am very friendly. I think a lot of the time I work out how I feel in my head and it seems obvious to me, but it may not be so obvious to someone looking from the outside. I think I need to work on this more. Although I donrsquo;t think that I will ever be the mushy, overly romantic type, I will try to find some middle ground that both of us can be comfortable with.�



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Holidays are coming soon
This year flew so fast , a bit too fast already.
*sigh*
well, pretty soon, it will be cca fair already, and then it will be syf.
and then weapos;ll vanish from band. Well, there is still time(:
Thursdayapos;s band practice was a real shocker to me, we played chorale so nicely.
i donapos;t believe that the reason was because gary was there though.
:DDD

i want to go skate ~ ):
my ankle is still swollen.
but at least now, rotting at home is so much more enjoyable.
haha. Thanks emelia and livington for coming over and keeping me company kay(:
:DDDDD love you guys





dear ~
iapos;m always here for you de yeah:D
and yeah, i wont let go too, i will hold on tight (:
iapos;ll hold on forever kays.
and all those promises we have made, are all on the ring kay(:
ilyt kay(:
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пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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Drowning in politics. Blinded by science. Sinking, spinning, losing control and asphyxiated by self doubt. I donrsquo;t know what Irsquo;m doing.

How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I canrsquo;t rely on other people for the answers to the questions in my life? How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I have to make things happen for me on my own? Irsquo;m sitting at my desk typing this ndash; itrsquo;s 9:10am and Irsquo;ll upload it this evening. Irsquo;m in the shit. I think Irsquo;ve taken on a job that I canrsquo;t do. Admittedly, itrsquo;s not entirely my own fault... The role in reality is turning out to be somewhat different to the role discussed in interview, and itrsquo;s becoming clear that I donrsquo;t have some of the skills required. No effortrsquo;s being made to provide me with the development of the skills I need. Most worrying though is the impact that this is having on my motivation... I donrsquo;t have any. Not having motivation to work, I can deal with to a degree ndash; dragging myself through isnrsquo;t a particularly pleasant experience, but itrsquo;s something Irsquo;m accustomed too. Now though, my lack of motivation is starting to impact on the rest of my life. I havenrsquo;t written any real volume of fiction in about a week... Because I just canrsquo;t be fucked. Irsquo;m going to bed earlier but sleeping less, Irsquo;m tired all the time and I feel like Irsquo;ve been spread too thin. And rather than looking inward, Irsquo;m looking outward ndash; for some kind of saviour to appear. I donrsquo;t know why. I donrsquo;t believe in God, I donrsquo;t believe in a messiah or a saviour of any kind, and right now Irsquo;m struggling to find a decent reason to believe in myself.

lsquo;Donrsquo;t save me, donrsquo;t save me, lsquo;cos I donrsquo;t care.rsquo;

Add this to an economic downturn, rising unemployment, falling house prices and rising food bills, and now really isnrsquo;t looking like the best time to turn around and say lsquo;fuck it allrsquo; and throw someone my car keys. Not without lining something else up first. Which brings me nicely back to my post of about a week or so ago... The one explaining that my problem is that I donrsquo;t know what I want.

Life has an annoying habit of being basically circular.

I think it might be time to brush up the CV again. I wonder if itrsquo;s better to look as though Irsquo;ve been doing nothing for the last two months than it would be to put my current job on there only for prospective employers to want to know why Irsquo;ve only lasted eight weeks? Would it be written off as some kind of character flaw before an interview would give me the opportunity to explain it in person?


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