Drowning in politics. Blinded by science. Sinking, spinning, losing control and asphyxiated by self doubt. I donrsquo;t know what Irsquo;m doing.
How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I canrsquo;t rely on other people for the answers to the questions in my life? How old do I need to be before I begin to understand that I have to make things happen for me on my own? Irsquo;m sitting at my desk typing this ndash; itrsquo;s 9:10am and Irsquo;ll upload it this evening. Irsquo;m in the shit. I think Irsquo;ve taken on a job that I canrsquo;t do. Admittedly, itrsquo;s not entirely my own fault... The role in reality is turning out to be somewhat different to the role discussed in interview, and itrsquo;s becoming clear that I donrsquo;t have some of the skills required. No effortrsquo;s being made to provide me with the development of the skills I need. Most worrying though is the impact that this is having on my motivation... I donrsquo;t have any. Not having motivation to work, I can deal with to a degree ndash; dragging myself through isnrsquo;t a particularly pleasant experience, but itrsquo;s something Irsquo;m accustomed too. Now though, my lack of motivation is starting to impact on the rest of my life. I havenrsquo;t written any real volume of fiction in about a week... Because I just canrsquo;t be fucked. Irsquo;m going to bed earlier but sleeping less, Irsquo;m tired all the time and I feel like Irsquo;ve been spread too thin. And rather than looking inward, Irsquo;m looking outward ndash; for some kind of saviour to appear. I donrsquo;t know why. I donrsquo;t believe in God, I donrsquo;t believe in a messiah or a saviour of any kind, and right now Irsquo;m struggling to find a decent reason to believe in myself.
lsquo;Donrsquo;t save me, donrsquo;t save me, lsquo;cos I donrsquo;t care.rsquo;
Add this to an economic downturn, rising unemployment, falling house prices and rising food bills, and now really isnrsquo;t looking like the best time to turn around and say lsquo;fuck it allrsquo; and throw someone my car keys. Not without lining something else up first. Which brings me nicely back to my post of about a week or so ago... The one explaining that my problem is that I donrsquo;t know what I want.
Life has an annoying habit of being basically circular.
I think it might be time to brush up the CV again. I wonder if itrsquo;s better to look as though Irsquo;ve been doing nothing for the last two months than it would be to put my current job on there only for prospective employers to want to know why Irsquo;ve only lasted eight weeks? Would it be written off as some kind of character flaw before an interview would give me the opportunity to explain it in person?
agios georgios corfu, agios georgios beach, agios georgios, agios dimitrios.
